I haven’t made a post in a while, which I feel guilty about. In February, I set out on this journey to share my story of mental illness with the world by starting a blog. Along the way, many people have reached out to me to tell me how much a post meant to them or how much a post changed their perspective of their own mental illness experience (which I am beyond grateful for). Two months ago, I abruptly stopped writing posts as if my mental illnesses had ceased to exist. Let me update you on what has been going on…

I began taking Lithium XR, a mood stabilizer, because I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 2 disorder with the help of my therapist and new, AMAZING psychiatrist. This means I was being misdiagnosed and mistreated by psychiatrists my entire life, even when I had advocated for myself to be on a mood stabilizer because antidepressants do not help my “treatment resistant” depression. Being on a mood stabilizer has its advantages and disadvantages. For one, my mood is generally more stable. I especially feel depression less intensely. While I still feel the symptoms of sadness, extreme fatigue, and brain fog, my depressive episodes haven’t spiraled into this sense of raw suicidality for over a month now. On the other hand, I don’t feel positive emotions as intensely either. I feel like I have no interests and am not passionate about anything in particular. I haven’t been blogging, I don’t write poetry anymore, I don’t take as many pictures… I feel like a shell of myself. At least I’m a shell that doesn’t want to kill herself. Another disadvantage: the dreaded weight gain. Oy.

As for other aspects of recovery… I am no longer going to therapy. In some ways, I felt therapy wasn’t helpful because it’s difficult to get to the deep stuff during a 45 minute session. The first 10 minutes is always spent small talking and getting settled; human connection just doesn’t work in a time-limited way for me. That’s not to say therapy doesn’t work; it actually worked wonders for me for years, but now I feel like I’m at the point where I’m not gaining anything from it. This is mostly because I feel like I need to work on developing my spiritual self in order to gain the sense of wholeness and acceptance that I’ve been searching for for the entirety of my life. Everyone has their own unique (or institutionalized) perspective of what spirituality is or isn’t. For me, it is a sense of everything on this Earth being interconnected and I strive to deepen that connection. Of course, I have not been actively taking a role in that development and need to hold myself accountable for doing so from now on. Maybe there will be posts on that in the future…

Feel free to send any questions about my experience or comments about your experience! I always love hearing from you.

xoxo