A few days ago, I took a voyage to Switzerland as part of a 11 day guided tour in Europe. Among myself, there are approximately 30 wonderful people on the same tour, including a close friend of mine. This is my first time abroad and I’ve seen amazing things: the alps, beautiful renaissance-style buildings, and people speaking all languages. Why am I still sad?
I’ve felt so loney, but also ugly and worthless so I have been less social. I called my mom sobbing last night. Today I took a train alone back to the hotel in order to hide myself from the world for the rest of the day. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.
How is this possible when I’m experiencing such amazing things that are an absolute privilege that most people don’t get to experience in their lifetime? I feel guilty. I don’t want to tell people I feel this way because I worry about being seen as a brat, but I want to share with you the lesson I learned: mental illness doesn’t take a vacation just because you are.
While there’s pressure to experience everything because I’m in a foreign country I may never come to again, I’m reminding myself that I still need to perform self-care even though I’m on vacation (which is a concept I’ve never thought about). So I’m taking naps and alone time when needed. I’m going for walks and doing low-key activities that don’t take up too much energy. I’m journaling and blogging. I’m reaching out to someone when I have wifi.
Always prepare for your mental illness to be your travel companion and remember that it’s okay. 💕