**Stick around until the end for some incredibly touching tradition ideas and holiday symbolism to honor your loved one.**
There is so much joy and celebration that surrounds the holiday season. Except, maybe for those who are experiencing grief at this time in their lives.
Grief follows us. It follows us for years, even our entire lives, getting lighter over time but never fully going away. The holiday season can be especially hard after losing a loved one, even years later.
I, myself, lost my mother when I was 20 years old to a disease that we watched progress for years before ultimately claiming her life. I was angry and felt robbed as I watched other girls celebrate the holidays with their moms. The empty space that she used to fill felt deep and dark as we celebrated without her. Now, years later, her light remains and makes our holidays brighter as we remember her love and kindness and sense of humor. I’m crying right now as I write about it.
My heart goes out to you, my friend, who is experiencing such deep sadness during a time that is supposed to be magical. I would really like to help you find light in this time and maybe even help you heal.
Allow yourself to feel these emotions
This goes for any time while grieving, but it is even more important to remember to allow yourself to feel these emotions at a time when the memories and emotions may spike.
These emotions hurt but are normal and they are essential to the healing process. Burying them will ultimately make these feelings worse and hold you back from true healing. It’s perfectly okay to feel this way. Let yourself cry. Scream. Yell. Feel.
Schedule a counseling appointment early
You may not feel like you need counseling right now, but I always wish I had made the call sooner when I get to the point when I need to book an appointment.
It’s not unusual for counselors to be booked at least 3 weeks out, at least where I am. Plus, their schedules might be especially full at this time of year, and they’ll have more days off than usual.
We can’t always foresee a breakdown. We can guess when a breakdown is more likely, like during the holidays, but we can’t actually know how we’re going to feel in 3 weeks or a month until we’re there. Then, if you find that you do need it, your counselor might not be available soon enough.
Don’t let the breakdown sneak up on you without being prepared. Counselors are specially trained to handle situations like these. You can always cancel when the time gets closer if you feel like you’re doing fine (try to be respectful of their schedules and give them at least 24 hours’ notice), but this way, you already have a spot on the schedule if you need it.
Be particularly self-aware
Take some time to think about your needs
What are your needs and desires for this holiday season? Think about things you would like to have happen (or not happen) that’ll help you cope, then check in with yourself often. Let your loved ones know these things so that you all can make plans catering to those needs.
If you need to be alone, go be alone. If you need to talk to someone, talk. Need to be surrounded by loved ones? Tell them!
Pay attention to your body
What is your body telling you? For example, since depression can cause excessive fatigue, allow yourself to rest and make sure you’re getting enough sleep, not just slapping on a caffeine band-aid when feeling particularly fatigued. We want you to feel your best so that you are better able to cope through such a hard time.
This time of year tends to get so cram packed with plans that you can hardly pause to take a breath. Listen to yourself and your body. Your brain and your heart may be trying to tell you to slow down. So slow down. You don’t have to go to every event, and you don’t have to deliver your best to everyone at all times if you just can’t do it.
Distraction and staying busy is a good thing sometimes, but not all the time. Allow yourself some time to breathe and take care of yourself.
Avoid taking on too much
During the holidays, it’s so easy to feel the need to adopt all sorts of extra responsibilities; hosting get-togethers, serving extravagant meals, attending all the Christmas parties, visiting all the family, making the most delicious home-cooked side for a potluck dinner, wrapping gifts with perfectly crafted Pinterest bows, volunteering at the kids’ school functions. . . The list goes onnnnn.
Be mindful of your needs. Will this extra something help your mental state during these holidays? Or will it just overwhelm you? Are the things that are draining to you really necessary? Only take them on if you truly feel able to and definitely if it will help you feel better. Your own well-being is a high high priority right now.
Avoid alcohol and other depressants
Holiday parties and get-togethers are a typical setting for the champagne, wine, spiked eggnog, and other alcoholic drinks to come out. Maybe the family’s just popping the cork on the wine to accompany dinner and nothing more. Or maybe the hard alcohol is coming out for the holiday party and everyone’s about to get rowdy.
Can your mind and body really handle it right now? Probably not. I know there are people who can have a glass or two of champagne or wine and stop right there, but it’s a risky game, especially at such a difficult time.
You have to be really mindful of yourself and your body; enough to know your own tendencies and the triggers that make you want to start drinking and continue drinking. And be honest with yourself, hard as that may be.
Personally, I avoid alcohol altogether because I know there’s a high chance of it becoming a real problem. Alcohol causes us to slip into a depression that was even worse than before and causes our bodies to have to deal with the after-effects of the alcohol rather than focusing its much-needed resources on giving ourselves the best chance at being in the healthiest mental state that we can be in right now.
Voice your decision to keep the drinking to a minimum or not drink at all to your family and friends so that they can be supportive. Then feel free to leave if it’s getting to be too tempting and too much to handle. Draw boundaries. If they’re not respected, that’s not on you. It sucks, but your focus should be on what you can handle while grieving during the holidays.
Spend time with loved ones
As we were losing our mom, my sisters and I, and my dad and I, grew very close as tends to happen while experiencing loss together and those deepened relationships continue today, 10 years later.
There are other people who are hurting from this loss who also need support, and they can be some of the best sources of support for you because they are living through this particular heartbreak too.
Don’t isolate, draw close to them, cultivate relationships with them, share in your sadness, and share each other’s happiness as well. Laugh with them, cry with them, lean on them and let them lean on you. Is there a more perfect time of year to do so? When hearts are softened and coming together?
Reflect on memories of your loved one
Especially memories of them during the holidays. Sometimes, we need to reflect on them alone. Sometimes, we need to share memories together with family and friends.
The memories you have of your loved one will always be yours. They cannot be taken away from you.
Bring out the belongings you have of your loved one
Keep those things close as you navigate how to survive this time. Allow them to help you feel connected to this person. I like to wear my mom’s jewelry or her sweatshirt. Sometimes, I take out her bell collection or re-read notes that she wrote to me. I play the piano, which helps me feel connected to my grandparents who were very musical, etc.
It’s all a part of my at-home therapy.
Share their legacy
Write down memories of them so that you and others can have those stories later down the road. This is a great time to do so as you’re comfy on the couch with a blanket while the snow falls outside. The holidays can be particularly inspiring, and writing can be particularly healing.
My dad used to write down short stories from his parents and grandparents during the holiday season and send them out to family and friends in lieu of Christmas cards. Everyone loved them and it was such a heartwarming way to remember our loved ones.
Teach your kids and others about them. People of all ages, including children, are getting more and more intrigued by their ancestry. My kids are so interested to hear about what my mother was like since they never got to meet her. I love inspiring their own sense of connection with her. Maybe they’ll pick up some attributes of hers that they admire from the stories I share.
Then our loved one’s legacy and influence lives on.
Create new traditions
This is a great way to honor your loved one for years to come. Do you want to go visit their gravesite every holiday season? Take little trinkets, gifts, or notes to them? Have special ornaments made for the tree that remind you of them? Would you like to make a certain dish every year that they used to make? Light a candle for them at the dinner table? Give to charity in their name? Is there a way you can serve someone or your community in a way that is inspired by your loved one?
What traditions will make you think of them and warm your heart?
A woman I know listens to the song, Silent Night with her family because that’s what was playing as her mother passed. My sister likes to make lefse as a tribute to her Norwegian grandma and I make crepes every Christmas morning to remember my Dutch grandmother. I also put a halo under the star on my tree that one of my friends who has passed made out of tinsel.
Those are just a few ways we honor our loved ones during the holidays. Now, we are surrounded by joyful reminders of these people whom we love and miss so much. It helps ease the pain.
A bright season of hope (and touching symbolism)
Let hope prevail through the pain, my friend. Hope that Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, etc. will become easier. Hope that the pain will ease, even if it never fully goes away, that you will make it through this time, and that you’ll be okay someday. Because you will.
The holidays are full of touching symbolism, most of which are of course, symbols of Christ and His birth. But I researched several symbols that surround us during this time and thought of some ways that their meanings could specifically console people who are grieving during the holidays. Let them provide some hope and solace to you.
Symbols of the holidays that can stand as heartwarming reminders of your loved ones to get you through the season:
- The lights/candles – that this person was a true light in your life. They can also remind you that light will come back to you.
- Evergreen trees stay green and thrive even in the dead of winter. Poinsettias do too. To those who are grieving, this can symbolize hope that, we too, can endure and even thrive through our winter.
- Holly has sharp edges on its leaves. This sharpness can stand for our pain but remind us that it’s a necessary part of something beautiful; the time we had with them, the love we shared, the influence they had on us, and our painful, yet spectacular journeys in life that force us to experience hard things and grow through it all into the people we’re meant to become.
- The wreath is a circle, never ending. People see them as symbols of eternal love. Also, the joy and memories of them will be with you forever.
- Bows on gifts serve as a reminder that we should all be “tied together” in harmony; bonded through the holidays.
- Tinsel – I just learned of the old tale about a woman who immaculately cleaned her house for Christmas. The spiders learned of the beautiful tree in the living room and wanted to see it. As they explored it, they left spider webs, covering the tree. When Santa came, he transformed the webs into silver so that the woman wouldn’t be disappointed upon waking in the morning. This, I think, is another beautiful reminder that our “webs” can be transformed to beautiful silver as we walk this path to healing.
I leave you with this
I know this is hard. Really hard. You may feel that you can’t do this, but I know that you can do hard things. You will make it through the holidays. I hope this helps make it a little easier to find the light and to heal.
All my love. Until next time.
*If you found this article helpful, I would really appreciate if you shared it with someone you know who is also grieving during the holidays. Thank you for supporting my blog!
