Comparing Yourself To Others: How To STOP

Why is it so easy for us to get sucked into the trap of comparing ourselves to other people when it makes us feel insecure and so down about ourselves?

We get caught up in a constant state of wanting, envious of those who possess what we desire. We see everybody else and all of their triumphs while dismissing our own strengths and achievements. It’s a vicious cycle. One that we’re going to end for the sake of our self esteem and mental wellbeing.

Serenity

Let’s face a hard truth first; that there are some things that we just will not be able to change. We don’t want to accept it, but you can learn to come to peace with it.

For example, when I see my sisters-in-law with their gorgeously smooth dark skin, I won’t lie, I’m envious because I don’t have very great skin. There are things I can do to make my skin better, but it will simply never look like these women’s skin. Although some days I still curse the imperfections of my skin, I have learned to be okay with that.

The fact is that we all were born with our own assets and misfortunes. We all came into this world to different conditions and are afforded opportunities that other people may not have. It’s not anyone’s fault, that’s just life.

I have loved the Serenity Prayer for situations just like this for over a decade:

The Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

When we just can’t help but compare ourselves or our circumstances to other people’s, it’s important to recognize what things in life you do have control over and which ones you don’t. When you see someone with something you long for for yourself and find that you can change your circumstances to do so, put in the work to make it happen for yourself!

If not, try to let go; to find that serenity to accept the things you simply cannot change and you will find greater peace.

A Healthy Balance

It is completely normal for us to look at other people and see things about them that we would like for ourselves, whether it’s a personality trait you wish you had, their body, their success, money, possessions, relationships, etc.

Believe it or not, it’s okay for us to experience these feelings, just on a healthy level.

Some observation of other people’s strengths is actually a necessary part of life; arming ourselves with determination to improve ourselves and our lives.

Admiration Of Others

We admire people for various reasons, so let’s transform our jealousy into admiration!

We’re not playing a game where there are winners and losers.

Disappointed woman playing chess. We don't need to compare ourselves to other people because we are not playing a game with winners and losers!

That person who is more successful and has more money than you, might have some really valuable advice on how to increase your own success.

Instead of comparing the imperfections of our parenting to the mom who is incredibly patient with their children, we can look up to her so that we, too, can become more of a peaceful parent.

The person whose house is super tidy and organized is probably more than willing to give us some great pointers on how to do the same.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge their strengths and compliment them. Not only does that make you both feel good, but it’s also a great segue into simply asking them how they came to be this way or acquired the things we’re working for.

The envy that I’ve been able to turn into admiration of other people’s successes has led me to countless youtube videos, podcasts, blogs, conversations, and courses on how to make attainable goals for myself and how to achieve them!

We gain so much more knowledge on how to make our own dreams reality when we are able to transform those negative feelings to feelings of positivity and determination.

A woman learning from another woman as a result of transforming envy to admiration.

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We’re All At Different Stages

Talents, parenthood, strengths, goals, visions, dreams, jobs and careers, whatever things about ourselves we want to improve; there are always going to be people out there somewhere who are further along and more successful than us. The internet especially makes us painfully aware of that.

There are undoubtedly areas in your life that are only in the beginning chapters while other people have been working on these same things for years, maybe even their whole lives.

It’s easy for us to immediately feel some sense of bitterness towards those who are more advanced in the endeavors that we have in common. But they have worked themselves to level 20 while we’ve only gotten to level 5 so far. They were once at level 5 too.

What motivation that is! To know that you, too, can get to level 20, and beyond!

Three women laughing together in a cafe.

Never Compare Your Worst To Someone Else’s Best

We all have things that we’re insecure about. All of us. So when we see other people excelling in the department we feel we’re lacking, our initial reaction is often to feel inferior.

As a mom and housekeeper, I see so many other moms around me rocking the meal planning, positive parenting, and keeping a tidy house. I see them succeeding in motherhood with twice or even three times the amount of kids I have and it’s really made me feel inadequate at times.

Until I was afforded the opportunity to sneak a peek into their struggles! Then I realized that they’re human too with their own strengths and weaknesses.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who aren’t afraid to be real and authentic, willing to let people see that they’re imperfect.

Three women hugging each other. We feel more secure and close to the people who are their true selves instead of putting up a front.

There are things that we are actually really good at that other people have a hard time with. You can’t know at first glance, or second, or third. So practice building confidence in yourself! Then maybe seeing other people succeed in areas we wish we could wouldn’t be such a hard blow.

You Never Know What’s Going On Behind The Scenes

People are almost never as willing to show their downfalls and the things that are going wrong in their lives as they are to show off their accomplishments and best assets.

So of course you’re not seeing the mess just outside of the perfectly framed photo. Of course you’re not seeing their cellulite, their mountains of debt, or their low points. You’re not being exposed to their crushing mental illness, the fact that they have self-esteem issues themselves, or the fact that they are HUMAN! Just. Like. You!

Everyone has their pitfalls. We all have skeletons in our closet that we’re not showing (and don’t have to). And none of us, I repeat, none of us have it all figured out.

You are not alone in feeling inferior in some way! Not at all.

Don't compare yourself to other people because you never know what's going on behind closed doors, like how many dirty dishes are in the kitchen!

The Poison Of Social Media

Social media is one of the worst places to be if you struggle with comparing yourself to other people! Everyone wants acceptance and praise, and social media is one of the easiest ways to get that. It’s easy to crop and alter the truth just enough to portray a certain image that people want out there.

We are constantly overloaded with images to compare ourselves to; of perfect bodies, perfectly kept expensive houses, and rich entrepreneurs who make their wealth look like it was so easy to acquire.

No wonder people who spend significant amounts of time on social media start to feel utterly mediocre. Basic. Seriously imperfect. Drastically flawed. Like our worth is far less than those “perfect” influencers. Like we will never measure up.

Phone with all social media apps on screen. No wonder people who spend significant amounts of time on social media start to feel utterly mediocre.

Unfollow or take a break from the pages that just make you feel doubtful about yourself and your life. Maybe you really do enjoy their content, but often find yourself wishing for whatever it may be that they have.

Then flood your feed with feel-good content by following more inspirational profiles that don’t push an image of perfection. Here are just a few good ones on Instagram:

Quick kind-of side note: if you find yourself constantly comparing your body to those on social media, check out this video by Stephanie Lange on youtube! It’s a good one.

Experts are coming out with multitudes of studies giving us more and more reasons to decrease our time on social media. I mean, does it even feel good anymore to log on to Facebook or Instagram? Does it really add value to your life? If used strategically, the answer to that question can be yes, just in small doses, being careful of what content you are exposing yourself to.

Take A Break From Social Media

Aim for a week at first. Then make a goal to only check social media every 2 or 3 days instead of every day. Go as far as you need to until that grasp that it has on you is gone.

That’s what my husband and I did and now, we hardly even care to check Facebook. We’ll go months without logging on when we used to use it constantly. And our mental health has improved because that daily dose of junk no longer gets to influence how we feel day to day.

You don’t need to see that nonsense every day. You can resurface from being drowned in the seemingly perfect.

Delete the apps from your phone and log out of the tabs you keep open in your browser so that when you reach for them out of habit, you are reminded that you’re avoiding that right now to help you stop comparing yourself to other people for the sake of your mental health.

Deleting Facebook app to decrease the temptation of comparing ourselves.

Give Yourself Some Credit

Do you know how amazing YOU are? Do you see the incredible attributes that YOU have that others are jealous of? Have you ever considered the great possibility that someone is probably comparing themselves to YOU?

Sure, you’re not perfect and your life probably isn’t perfect either. There are always areas to improve. That’s just how it is. (See the Serenity section at the top!)

But there are also plenty of things about you and your life that are worth acknowledgement and applause!

I don’t know about you, but I often just don’t want to seem egotistical.

Let’s get another fact out there: you’re allowed to feel good about yourself and to have a sense of pride! Be proud of yourself!

I hereby give you permission to have an ego, damnit.

Take a month to mindfully practice gratitude and self-appreciation every single day. For just a few minutes at the end of each day, write down no less than 3 things you’re thankful for and 3 things you like about yourself in a journal. Keep that journal around to look back on and add to later.

After a while, the impulse to compare the imperfections in your life to other people’s abundance will fade.

Let’s Wrap It Up

I linked my post about boosting your self-esteem up above, but I’ll link it here too since I think it’s so closely related.

My friend, know that you are so very special in your own ways and that YOU can NEVER be replaced! I bet you there’s someone out there wishing they could be like you (not that we want anyone else feeling bad about themselves). Don’t be afraid to be your true self at all times. You don’t need to be ashamed of your shortcomings.

I hope that you can gradually stop comparing yourself to other people so that you can have more peace and happiness in life.

Until next time.

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