“It sounds like there are some self esteem issues here.” my counselor said. “So tell me; what’s not to love?”

Lightbulb; she was right. And I cried. I hadn’t been very nice to myself.

I don’t really know where it started. I have always had this mentality where I always need to be striving to do better, to follow all of the rules, to appease the authority. It wasn’t always in a horribly negative way. I adopted a constant sense of “Wow, I have a lot of improvement I could make”. That’s not always a bad thing. But too much of a good thing is still too much.

Always trying to do things exactly right, always trying to go above and beyond with every responsibility I added to my plate, always trying to do everything that I felt all the other women in my life were great at. And when it didn’t work out the way I thought it should, I was a failure.

I would think, ‘Don’t let others see the mess that I am, the mess in my mind, and of course not the mess in my house, no way.’ As if that says anything about how good or bad of a person I am.

I started reflecting on the way I felt like I had to act around others, the way I would talk to myself, the impossible standards I held myself to, and whoa, started trying to find things I liked about myself? Uhhh…

I looked at myself in the mirror multiple nights struggling to find many attributes within myself that I truly liked. I mean, I could think of some, but not a lot. Finally, I started telling myself things that I wasn’t even sure were true. I wasn’t even sure if I’m really allowed to think these things about myself.

“You are worth loving yourself.” Okay, that was super awkward. “You are worth it.” Eh, I don’t know about this. “You are worth it.” I started to stroke my own arm as I would in attempts to comfort a friend.

Eventually I started to feel more genuine. “You are worth it” This is where the tears started. “You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT.” And oh my gosh guys, at this point, I was bawling. Breakthrough.

Why do we set the bar so incredibly high and then beat ourselves up when we don’t succeed at everything? When we didn’t get to the dishes, when we yelled at our kids, we burned dinner, the laundry pile is monstrous, we ate way too much, our kids ate corndogs for dinner again, when blah blah blah, bullshit. Sorry. But that’s what it is.

Guess what? You’re human. Whoa! What a concept! Yes, you’re an imperfect human being. And you will make mistakes? Yep. You’ll forget x, y, and z and not get to everything on your forever long to-do list?! Yep. Now listen closely.

THAT. IS. OKAY. It’s expected, actually; a completely natural part of being human.

YOU are still worth it. Worth what? Worth loving, worth helping, worth treating kindly. In fact, your flaws make you more relatable, more approachable, more likely to make friends and keep them. How’s that? Well have you ever had that seemingly perfect friend who never fails at anything? Yeah. It’s exhausting.

Now let’s get to some skills to practice so that you can actually look in the mirror someday and truly love the person you see.

Stop with the “shoulds”

We all have these thoughts sometimes:

‘Man, I should have done this’

or

‘I SHOULDN’T have done that.’

‘I should be better/ different.’

‘I shouldn’t be like this.’

‘I should do (insert task here).’

“I should be/ do. . .”, “I shouldn’t be/ do. . .” All that will do is make you feel bad about yourself and downplay all that you are and do. “Shoulds” may even cause you to forget completely about the successes of your day. It will inhibit the thought patterns that are necessary to true, healthy growth.

No matter how complex or even how simple these things you’re telling yourself are, start training that magnificent brain of yours to think of yourself and these “shoulds” differently.

When you’re tempted to “should” yourself, try these phrases instead.

“I will get to that when I can.”

“I don’t need to worry about that right now.”

“This is something I need to do and I will make time for it.”

“I have my own strengths and I am proud of them.”

“I feel bad for doing that. Next time I will do … instead.”

“Just because I said/ did that doesn’t make me a bad person.”

“I can improve.”

At the end of the day, you can say this to yourself “I have done enough today. Now it is time to rest.” Yes, even on those days when all you did was lounge. Maybe that’s exactly what you needed.

These thoughts are positive and promote self love instead of shame. It will take time and work, but you will find that over time, you will be better able to give yourself some much needed grace.

Don’t shame yourself

Now, say there actually is something you did today that you really… shouldn’t have done.

I know! There’s that “should”. I could go on and on about this, but guilt is a good thing. It’s what motivates us to be better. Shame is not.

When you find yourself in this situation, because we are all there sometimes, please don’t beat yourself up. That’s not productive. Tell yourself, “I feel guilty because I did this. Even though my actions were wrong, it is not wrong to feel this way.”

I know, it’s hard to confront these things within ourselves, but then say, “I will try harder next time. I am still growing.” Then right the wrong if you can and come up with a plan to avoid such actions in the future.

This is a much more effective and healthy way to confront the genuine “shouldn’t”.

Let’s talk more about guilt and shame in a future post.

Tell yourself that you are still worth loving yourself, mistakes and all. Because you are.

Set the bar low

I know this sounds harsh, but hear me out. Have you ever written your to-do list just to find that there are only a bajillion things that you feel like you have to do. Then the end of the day comes and you’ve only gotten 3 or 4 things checked off of that list. Maybe even just 2. Or 1. None? No, you didn’t fail.

How about when you get that looming feeling that you’ve fallen short of the crazy high expectations you’ve made up for yourself?

You tell yourself that you’re not as good of a mom you feel you should be, not as good of a cook you feel you should be, not as good of a spouse, employee, son/daughter, whatever. Seriously. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re human, remember?

In the mornings, make your to-do list for the day. I really recommend writing them down so you can see the progress you are making through and at the end of the day. Limit yourself to no more than 3 things and then prioritize them. 4 if you absolutely have to.

That way, if you only get the most important one done, you still feel good about yourself. And on those days when you get all three done? Yay! Look at how productive you were today! Some days you’ll even get some bonus items done that weren’t on the list. And there you go. Superwoman!

Sometimes I’ll write the “optionals” down as a separate list and place it where it’s not in my face and I’ll refer to when I’m bored and scratched everything off the actual to-do list.

Now! If you’re not satisfied with your end-of-the-day progress report, write a “But I Did Do” list. You may be surprised! Or like I said earlier, maybe all you did was lounge. That’s ok! We all need those days occasionally so don’t beat yourself up over it. Write that on your list as “I took care of myself”, which is so important.

During the first couple of months when I had my first baby, everything was so chaotic that I only had ONE thing on my to-do list every day other than keeping my baby and myself alive. One day, that thing was just getting a new pack of toilet paper to the bathroom. That’s it. I did that one thing and here’s an important part. I felt accomplished!

Not everybody is a list person. If you feel that lists won’t absolutely bother you or cause negative effects on your mental health, try it! I think you’ll like it.

Watch how you talk to yourself

We all think sometimes:

“Well that was stupid.”

“I’m so clumsy.”

“Ugh. I’m so dumb.”

“I’m so ugly.”

These things become what we truly believe about ourselves. Ever heard of the phrase “thoughts become actions”? The more you talk to yourself in these ways, the sadder you’ll get. Who wants to live their life that way?

When you make mistakes, big or small, try telling yourself:

“Everyone has these moments.”

“I will figure this out.”

“One step at a time, I can fix this.”

“Now I know better for next time.”

or just a simple “Oops” and that’s it.

I know it’s said SO often, but if you learn to laugh at yourself after a “clumsy” moment, not only will your opinions of yourself improve, but you will find yourself becoming a happier person overall.

Now, remember how in my intro I talked about looking in the mirror and telling myself that I’m worth loving? Do it. It feels weird! But do it. There are so many positive things you can list about yourself! You are kind, generous, you have good manners, good priorities, you said something nice to someone today, you go out of your way to serve others, you are a good singer, a good writer, you like your butt (hehe, but seriously)…

I bet that the more you do this and the more you try, the more good you’ll be able to see in yourself.

These can even be things that you may not believe about yourself, but you want to be true! I want to be more patient with my kids so I tell myself, “I am patient with my kids”! You will set that intention for yourself and eventually start to find that it’s coming true! Cool, huh?

Maybe incorporate some deep breaths. Breathe in, affirmation, breathe out. Repeat. If something you say to yourself just feels flat out wrong, say it again and again until you believe it.

To summarize,

Please practice being nice to yourself. Say this out loud with me (yes, I’m serious), “I do enough and I am enough. I add value to this world and to the lives of those around me. I am loved. Others can see my strengths and so can I. I can achieve a healthier opinion of myself because I am worth loving myself.” Dearest reader, you are greater than you think you are. And I mean that.