I remember being diagnosed bipolar in August 2019. It was a little hard to hear, but it didn’t seem off. I already knew that I feel emotions more strongly than others. Episodes of depression and mania made so much more sense.
I didn’t know how to feel about it at first, but quickly actually felt good about it. It helped me understand myself better. To know that I really wasn’t crazy, but something in my head isn’t working right. What a relief. It meant that I needed help and I was getting it. Things are hopefully about to get better.
As mentioned in the title of this post, there surely are negatives to bipolar disorder, but there are also positives! In this post, I want to explain what it’s like to live with this illness to bring awareness to those who want to understand themselves and/or their loved ones better and to break the stigma.
We are not crazy, we are human beings who deserve to be loved and supported, just as anyone else. There is a range of average emotions that people feel. We have times where we go higher than average, which is called mania. And there are times when we go lower than average; depression.
You may be surprised if you learned how many people around you are bipolar! Can you tell? Probably not with everyone. When I tell my friends, a common response I get is “Really? You don’t seem like it!”
Living with bipolar disorder can be hard. Really hard. When someone opens up to you about being bipolar, don’t respond with “Oh.” with a cringe face as if there’s something wrong about it (a reaction I’ve gotten before). Be open. Ask for understanding of what they’re going through and ask what you can do to help. Be slow to judgement. You don’t know the distress they may struggle with on a regular basis.
The Negatives
Okay, let’s get the obvious out of the way. Yes, we have mood swings. But that’s only a small part of having bipolar.
Depression. We go through bouts of depression. We go lower than the average lows. I, personally, have felt totally out of my mind while depressed. Like I was in hell. This black tangled mess in my head, as I describe it, is nearly unbearable. It’s a literal fight in your head to stop yourself from spiraling. But the spiral usually wins.
We tend to not be able to sleep well. One of the signs that I’m destabilizing is that I wake up in a panic multiple times a night, thinking something bad is happening or something that I need to hurry and stop. Sometimes, no matter how much sleep we get, we feel so incredibly tired that it can be completely debilitating.
The intense emotions, even the highs, are overwhelming. I’ve actually felt so happy before that I wanted to come down a little. It can be exhausting. It feels like an emotional hangover.
We can get suicidal. We get to the point sometimes where the pain is so much and we get a sense of utter hopelessness. The darkness completely takes over and we can’t tell who’s in control anymore. Ourselves? Or our illness? It gets scary. And when we muster up the courage to tell someone, it’s terrifying. We don’t want to come off as “seeking attention”. But we are literally fighting for our lives.
Sometimes we have abnormal “highs” (mania) and that can be embarrassing because we may not have much control over our actions while manic. We may experience having a ton of energy on little sleep, hyper sexuality, be overly social, or exceptionally productive, sometimes ignoring real obligations. Some may have a ton of energy on little sleep, hyper sexuality, spend money impulsively, have paranoia, panic attacks, nausea, shaking, lightheadedness, blurry vision, appetite loss or increase, urges to drink or do drugs. We may experience psychosis, which is when someone loses some contact with reality. Some also have occurrences of feeling crazy or like they’re going to die, blackouts, memory loss, have nervous ticks, and/or rage. *Phew*
Mania can be a medical emergency if someone begins experiencing psychosis or is acting dangerously impulsive and risky.
A lot of us go on medication and sometimes that goes really well for us! Thank. Heavens.
But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, the side-effects are too much to handle and we have to quit (hopefully under the guidance of a medical professional). Some side effects we experience from medications are headaches, tremors (I’ve had them so bad that I could hardly write), nausea, loss of appetite, memory loss, and extreme fatigue.
That’s only some. I’ve been on a medication before to only become more depressed than I was before because the side effects were so hard. The memory loss was scary, I couldn’t eat, and the fatigue made me unsafe to drive.
But the POSITIVES are so important to see!
My diagnosis was the starting point of my own journey to self love and acceptance! It finally clicked that I wasn’t crazy.
Because we struggle so badly, we are forced to learn various coping mechanisms! We are forced to strive to better ourselves for our own sake and for the sake of the people around us. Our progress not only benefits us, but it benefits our families as well. As we become more stable, we provide a more stable environment for those around us.
We learn to ask for support and help. And because of this, our relationships are deepened as we give others a glance into our lives and learn that we can rely on them.
We can be very passionate people. We love strongly.
We are more likely to be accepting of others’ and sympathetic of other people who suffer with mental illness. Similarly, we find people who understand and have sympathy for us, which is so important!
Yeah, the highs can feel good sometimes. We can get this feeling of euphoria or like we’re on cloud nine. Sometimes mania isn’t so great… Sometimes it is. We become very productive, funny, confident, we develop a brief heightened self esteem, and an increased sense of well-being.
There are so many resources out there for people with bipolar! So many healthcare professionals can help, like counselors, naturopaths, psychologists, psychiatrists, our primary doctor, etc. There are many books and websites with amazing information on our illness and how to cope. There are medications that do work wonderfully for us.
Speaking of medication, when we find one that works well for us, we can finally find normalcy! I have had a positive experience with a medication that I didn’t have side effects with and I felt a world’s difference with how I felt.
I even discovered different aspects of my life that I never realized were affected by my bipolar until this particular medication, like how I was socially awkward before and now I can actually hold a conversation.
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Y’all, being bipolar doesn’t always have to be a negative thing and we’re not bad people. We are human, we just have different struggles. We are strong. And you know what? I’m damn proud of myself for the amount of effort I’ve put into myself and my wellbeing. I’m proud to see how far I’ve come. And I’m proud of all of my peers for facing your fight. Good job. Keep going.
Sending my love. Until next time.
